There are many days where I am at a disadvantage in the world. Especially when it comes to being mindful of my thought processes, which are often scattered, at best. A stern religious upbringing, coupled with years of being married into a cult, in which it was my sole job to take care of my husband and children and keep my mouth shut, has rendered me fairly inept at being a good human being.
When I left the cult, under the blanket of darkness, I had no clue how much I would struggle with what most people take for granted.. Communication.
I was forced to live within the confines of my own mind for many years, with only those steeped in the extremes of religion as an outside source of “normalcy” where communication was concerned. The fact that I was only allowed to participate in such communications only when spoken to directly did little to encourage or engage my brain. After the first 6 months of a disgustingly abusive marriage, the only words I spoke were “Yes Sir” or “No Sir”, out of fear of reprimand.
I have grown much, as a person, since that night, but I still feel the sting of all those years where communication was violently suppressed.
The wonderful man who managed to capture my heart some months ago is, by far and hands down, a much better master at vocalizing himself. I struggle not to shy away from communication with him, out of fear of rejection, in some capacity. While he has helped me grow my ability to speak with clarity, I know that I am still many years behind him. He often finds himself frustrated and confused at my frustration and confusion, and this is where I still so miserably fail.
Religion forced a set of paradigms which I could exist in. Although they were well beyond my control at that point, it was the only form of structure, and by proxy, example, that I had. My personality is still highly flawed with the misconceptions that shadowed nearly 28 years of my life. I fight daily to learn how to undo each single flaw, to retrain myself into taking a better path.
I have failed much more than I have succeeded.
Today, I had a small victory, followed by an utter failure that caused someone I love to be hurt by my actions and words. Even as I write this, that failure far out shadows the small victory.
It was a failure I regret with every fiber of my being, and one I will move mountains not to repeat. As always, it is my first husband’s voice in my head, mocking me.. “Can’t do anything right, can you?”..
I’ve been working towards a better, healthier ME for nearly 14 years now.. And I still have much to improve on.. But I’m trying.
Of all the things I could wish for.. Is that he man who brings so much light and love into my life who continues to recognize and understand that it is my battle does not become a casualty of it. I refuse to allow either he, or my children, to be victimized by proxy. I chose this battle. I will not give up. And I will win, come what may.