Depression is such a fickle thing..

I’ve talked about using mistakes as a learning venue for self-betterment..  And recently I got a dose of my own advice, simply because I couldn’t recognize the situation for what it was.

I’d love to tell you that my scars are healed and that past hurts are all gone.  But to do so would be me having to lie to myself in order to lie to you…  And sugarcoating bullshit is not something I’m grand at, nor do I care to be.

The fact is, I’m still a highly flawed human being.  I still feel twinges of hurt when a past situation is put in my path, when I’ve already felt the sting from the situation.  Not just for me, mind you, but for anyone walking a similar path to mine…  There was a point where I COULD have spoken out and chose to remain silent, simply to avoid the drama, and someone else ended up hurt by the same individual, even though the situations were vastly different.

This time, when the situation presented itself, I chose to speak up.  I have spent the past 48 hours trying to hold my head up and smile and laugh..  But the fact is, I felt myself slipping a bit, back into that old mindset and rehashing in my mind what went wrong with a friendship that at one point, meant so much to me.

If not for the depressive feeling, would I have stopped and taken the time to reevaluate how and why I was feeling like I was feeling?

My wonderful partner pointed out to me that he hated that this individual took up so much of our time.  In both thought and energy.  I agreed, and still do..  And yet every single time the situation has presented itself, I’ve convinced me that I’m okay to talk about it.

The hard fact remains, he was absolutely right.  I slept like hell last night and what little I did sleep, was riddled with dreams of negative situations.  I woke up with a feeling of dread; and a heavy weight on my shoulders.

So today, I’m making a promise to myself.  I will not do this to myself again.  I’m fighting my ass off to be a better person and putting myself in situations where my lesson was already learned is deterring me from BEING a better person.  I will deal with bruised emotions and feelings when the time is right, for me, and not a moment before.

See, I have this amazing person in my life.  He is one of the most encouraging and supportive people I have ever met.  One of the things he has been kind enough to help me with is being able to openly communicate (which is something I often fail miserably at~but am working on).  There are a million reasons why we refer to each other as our respective partners, and this is merely one of them.  He works hard, every single day, to improve himself.  In doing so, he inspires me.

It is because of him that my depressive mood this morning did not last.  Our prior conversations have been flowing openly through my mind since the moment I woke.  So I’m going to take those conversations and snippets of advice and embrace how I feel this morning, so that I can give myself the chance to choose a better path.

He is a constant, beautiful reminder..

Just be good.  The world will follow.  🙂

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